Tortall the musical
by Mystic Weaver
Summary: The characters in Tortall randomly burst into song revealing some...interesting things. I know it's been done but give it a chance. Rating for strong language later on.
1. We are men!

A/N: This is going to be a collection of songs that I thought went pretty well with one or another of the Tortallan series'. This first one is from Disney's Mulan.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

(Anything in brackets isn't part of the song)

During Alanna's training…

**Sklaw:** Let's get down to business - yes you, Trebond. Did they send me daughters when I asked for sons?

(**Alanna: **cough Yes)

**Sclaw: **You're the saddest runt I've ever met But you can bet before we're through Mister, I'll make a man out of you

****

**Geoffrey:** Tranquil as a forest But on fire within

**Coram: **Once you find your centre You are sure to win

**Sklaw:** You're a spineless, short, pathetic kid And you haven't got a clue Somehow I'll make a man out of you

(**Coram: **good luck)

****

**Alanna:** I'm never gonna learn the sword. It's goodbye to knighthood for me Boy, was I a fool in school for cutting gym

**Duke Gareth: **Ralon's got him scared to death

**Alanna: **Roger's gonna see right through me

**Alex: **Hey, how come Alan never comes for a swim?

**Alanna: **uh-

****

**Jon: **We are men!

(Alanna rolls her eyes)

**Gareth**: You must be swift as a coursing river

**Raoul: **We are men!

(Alanna slaps her forehead)

**Random knight: **With all the force of a great shang dragon

**Jon: **We are men!

(Alanna leaves the room)

**Roger: **With a Gift like a raging fire

**Myles: **So drunk that you can't make it to your room

****

**Jon: **Time is racing toward us till the ysandir arrive

**Roger:**(winking) You really shouldn't go there, cuz you might not survive

**Jon: **Hey, I know; let's go anyway!

**Alanna: **Ok, and I'll save the day.

**Sclaw: **I knew I'd make a man outta you!

****

**Jon: **We are men!

(Alanna rolls her eyes)

**Gareth**: You must be swift as a coursing river

**Raoul: **We are men! (Alanna sharpens her sword)

**Random knight: **With all the force of a great shang dragon

**Jon: **We are men! (Alanna lifts her sword)

**Roger: **With a Gift like a raging fire

**Myles: **So drunk that you can't make it to your roooom


	2. Trouble in Paradise?

Disclaimer: The characters are all property of Tamora Pierce and the song (though slightly changed are from that episode of Buffy "Once more with feeling" and belong to whoever wrote it. I am gaining no money from this so don't sue me!!!

A/N: Alanna and Jon's relationship has begun to get serious. They both start having doubts and I pick that exact moment to make them burst into song… hehehe.

(music starts)

Alanna:  
This is the man that I plan to entangle  
Isn't he fine?  
My claim to fame was to maim and to mangle  
Knighthood was mine!  
But though I'm still in the biz  
The name I made, I may trade for his  
The only trouble is…  
I'll never tell.

Jon:  
She is the one  
She's such wonderful fun  
Such passion and grace.  
Warm in the night when I'm right in her tight…  
Embrace! Tight embrace!  
I'll never let her go  
The love we've known can only grow  
There's just one thing that - no.  
I'll never tell.

Both:  
'Cause there's nothing to tell.

Jon:  
she snores.

Alanna:  
He wheezes.

Jon:  
Say 'marriage' and she freezes.

Alanna:  
He eats these skeezy cheeses that I can't describe.

Jon:  
I talk, she breezes.

Alanna:  
He doesn't know what pleases.

Jon:  
She cares less about me than her Bazhir tribe!

Both:  
The vibe gets kind of scary

Jon:  
Like she thinks I'm ordinary

Alanna:  
Like it's all just temporary

Jon:  
Like her toes are kind of hairy

Both:  
But it's all very well  
'Cause Mithros knows, I'll never tell!

Alanna:  
When things get rough, he  
Just hides behind his crown!  
Now look, he starts to frown  
'Cause he knows that I know.

Jon:  
She clings  
She's needy

**Alanna:**

He's also really greedy  
He nev-

Jon:  
Her eyes are beady!

Alanna:  
This is my verse, hello! He…

(Dancing Sequence)

Both:  
You know...

Alanna:  
You're quite the charmer.

Jon:  
My knight in armor.

You were the cutest of the pages  
Your Gift stronger than a mage's  
And your firm yet supple-  
Tight embrace! 

Alanna:  
He's swell

Jon:  
She's sweller

Alanna:  
He'll always be my feller

That's why I'll never tell him that I'm petrified.

Jon:  
I've read this tale  
There's no wedding, but betrayal  
I know there'll come the day I'll want to run and hide.

Both:  
I lied  
I said it's easy  
I've tried  
But there's these fears I can't quell

Jon:  
Is she looking for a pot of gold?

Alanna:  
Will I still fight when I've gotten old?

Jon:  
Will our lives become too stressful if I'm never that successful?

Alanna:  
When I get so worn and wrinkly that I look like David Brinkley?

Jon:  
Am I crazy?

Alanna:  
Am I right?

Jon:  
Am I marrying a Knight?

Alanna:  
We could really raise the beam in making marriage a hell!  
So, thank god, I'll never tell!  
I swear that I'll never tell!

Jon:  
My lips are sealed

Alanna:  
I take the Fifth

Jon:  
Nothing to see. Move it along.

Both:  
I'll never Tell!

(music stops)

Jon & Alanna look at each other.

(uncomfortable silence)

REVIEW!


	3. I wonder what George's doing

A/N: Thanks to my three reviewers! Listen to Tony, you're grrreat! :)

Hmm… I'm not too sure I like this chapter. Oh well,there are better ones to come (I promise!). I've got a couple of songs planned / written for each of the Tortallan series' so don't give up on me.

Setting: While Jon is learning about becoming the voice of the Tribes Alanna starts to realise that he's become…well…rather restless. And - yep - everyone bursts out into song!

(music starts up)

Jon: I'm gonna be a mighty king So enemies beware!

Alanna: (muttering) I've never seen a full grown king with quite so little hair

Jon: I'm gonna be the voice of tribes like no king was before! I'm brushing up on looking good I'm working on my roar

Alanna: Thus far, a rather uninspiring thing

Jon: Oh, I just can't wait to be king!

(Josianne suddenly appears. She's following Roger's orders, i.e.; increase Jon's prigginess)

Jon: No one saying do this

Josianne: No one saying be there

Jon: No one saying stop that

Josianne: No one saying see here

Halef Sief: Now see here!

Jon: Free to sleep around all day

Free to do it all my way

Alanna: (threateningly) I think it's time that you and I arranged a fist to face

Jon: (prissily) Kings don't need advice from little hornbills for a start

Alanna: (eyes widening) Yeah, well f you too! If this is where the monarchy is headed Count me out. Out of service, out of this relationship! I wouldn't hang about! I wonder what George's doing….(Alanna goes to George's place)

Jon: Oh, I just can't wait to be king!

Everybody look left

Everybody look right

Everywhere you look

Josianne: _I'm_ standing in the spotlight

Ladies of the court: Let every person go for broke and sing

Let's hear it in the palace and on the wing

It's gonna be King Jon's finest fling

Jon: Oh, I just can't wait to be king!

Oh, I just can't wait to be king!

Oh, I just can't wait to be king!

(The music stops and Jon sits down on a sofa. **After half an hour…)**

Jon: Hey, wait, did Alanna just leave me? That bitch! Well I don't need her! - Oh Josianne…


	4. Hijacked chapter

**A/N: **Thanks again to my great reviewers!!! Oh yeah, and I forgot my disclaimer in the last chapter. (As if you couldn't tell) that song was borrowed and modified from 'The Lion King' and belongs to whoever wrote it. OK, _this_ chapter's outburst of song takes place when-

**King Jon: **(bursts into the room with several of the King's Own) Stop right there!

**A/N: **What the –

**Jon: **As I am now the King of Tortall it is now my prerogative to demand the cessation of this libellous narrative.

**A/N: **huh?

**Jon**: (sigh) I want you to stop this fic because it's making me look like a jerk.

**A/N: **But…um…you _are _a jerk.

**Jon: **_I _know that, but I don't want other people to know!

**A/N: **Look, I'm sorry but I just can't do that. I've already written a few of the other chapters.

**Jon: **(sighs) fine. But at least give me this chapter.

**A/N: **why?

**Jon: **(grinning) I want to deliver a message. Mwahahahahahahahaha!

**A/N: **Uh…O-K then. (to audience) I am SO sorry about this, but…he is a king and all, and…uh – gotta go. (I leave the room to avoid being killed by some of the Own).

**Jon: **This is a personal message that I have for someone who will remain anonymous because _I _at least don't want to ruin anyone's reputation. Not that _her_ reputation can be made any worse...probably in bed with that thieve right… **ahem. Excuse me**. To keep the rating safe I have moderated some of the language in this song.

(Music starts)

**King's Own **(backup singers)

Whoa oh oh  
Ooh hooh  
No No No

**Jon:**  
See I don't, know why, I liked you so much  
I gave you all, of my trust  
I told you, I loved you, now that's all down the drain  
Ya put me through pain, I wanna let u know that I feel

Fu- _forget_ what I said I take it back now  
Forget the presents might as well throw them out  
Forget all those kisses, it didn't mean jack  
Forget you, you witch, i don't want you back  
  
Forget what I said it don't mean shit now  
Forget the presents might as well throw them out  
Forget all those kisses it didn't mean jack  
Forget you, you witch, I don't want you back  
  
You thought, you could  
leave me quietly, yeah  
Ya went to him, I heard the story  
Ya played me, ya left me for dead  
Now ya askin for me back  
Ya just another hag, look elsewhere  
Cuz ya done with me  
  
Fu- _forget_ what I said it don't mean shit now  
Forget the presents might as well throw 'em out  
Forget all those kisses it didn't mean jack  
Forget you, you witch, I don't want you back  
  
Forget what I said it don't mean shit now  
Forget the presents might as well throw 'em out  
Forget all those kisses it didn't mean jack  
Forget you, you witch, I don't want you back  
  
Oh oh Oh oh  
Uh hun yeah  
Oh oh Oh oh  
Uh hun yeah  
Oh oh Oh oh  
Uh hun yeah  
Oh oh Oh oh  
Uh hun yeah  
  
Ya questioned, did I care  
You could ask anyone, I even said  
Ya were my number one  
Now its, over, but I do admit I'm sad  
It hurt real bad, I cant sweat that, cuz I loved a _man_  
  
Forget what i said it don't mean shit now  
Forget the presents might as well throw em out  
Forget all those kisses it didn't mean jack  
Forget you, you witch, I don't want you back  
  
Oh oh Oh oh  
Uh hun yeah  
Oh oh Oh oh  
Uh hun yeah  
Oh oh Oh oh  
Uh hun yeah  
Oh oh Oh oh  
Uh hun yeah

(music stops and author comes back into the room)

**A/N: **(slaps forehead) (sighs) OK, that was…um…(cough)…mature. Anyway the song (obviously) was an edited version of Eamon's "I don't want you back". Sorry if I offended any Jon-lovers, _I_ actually like him. It's just in the third book he gets a bit puerile.

Reviews will be much appreciated.

All flames should be addressed to his Highness.


	5. Love and rebuttals

**A/N**: Hello again people! If you're here and reading this then that means you got through the last chapter, in which case you are truly amazing. Anyway, now that control over this fic has been returned to yours truly…

**Setting: **Alanna has left George to go out to the Bazhir & on adventures and stuff like that. George is in Tortall and makes a vow to himself not to make a move on Alanna again until she asks him to.

**Disclaimer: **The characters are property of Tamora Pierce and the song belongs to Maroon 5.

(music starts)

**George:**

I was so high I did not recognize  
The fire burning in her eyes  
The chaos that controlled my mind  
Whispered goodbye and she seemed fine  
Never again to be mine  
But always in my heart  
  
This love has taken its toll on me  
She said Goodbye too many times before  
And her heart might break in front of me  
I have no choice cause I won't say goodbye anymore  
  
I tried my best to feed her appetite  
Keep her coming every night  
So hard to keep her satisfied  
Kept playing love like it was just a game  
Pretending to feel the same  
Then turn around and leave again  
  
This love has taken its toll -

(The door is suddenly thrown off its hinges)

**Alanna: **What the hell is this? (George is suddenly nowhere to be found) I thought this section of songs was supposed to be about me! I was out learning how to fight like a Shang and you thought it would be more interesting to have an open mike night and let everyone have their say about me??? You thought you'd just let Jon insult me? I should KILL –

**A/N: **Whoa, whoa! (sweating) No need to resort to violence here! Uh – why don't we just – uh – give you a solo?

**Alanna: **Really?

**A/N: **Yeah sure, you can sing about anything you like…guns, swords, bombs, whatever.

**Alanna: **OK

**A/N: **You mean…you won't kill me?

**Alanna: **Of course not. You're just an idiot. If I killed everyone who was an idiot, I wouldn't have time to sleep.

**A/N: **That's – uh – nice. Anywho, let your solo begin!

**Alanna: **(evil grin)This song is for – well you know who you are.

(music starts)

**Alanna:**

Oh oh  
oooh  
no no no  
  
(You know there's two sides to every story)  
  
See I don't know why you cryin', little prince  
you've been with Josianne ever since  
why you sing a song 'bout me  
if you really didn't care  
you wouldn't wanna share  
tellin' everybody just how you feel  
  
fu-orget What I did, it was your fault somehow  
forget the presents, I threw all that shit out  
don't go cryin' you didn't mean jack  
well guess what yo, fuck you right back

Fu-

**A/N: THAT'S IT! **I am not taking this crap anymore. (Deep breath). No more solos! That's final! The next chapter will go back to my original format.

Anyway, that second song was "F U right back" by Frankie.

REVIEW!


End file.
